Why wear red if Chuck Phelps resigned from the board?

I'm going to try to explain why the Do Right BJU movement is a good idea from another prospective because the negativity surrounding it has continued to bother me. If this were just about "getting rid of Chuck Phelps", the group would have served it's purpose. But the idea was never to "get rid" of Chuck Phelps. It was to see a genuine heart change out of Chuck Phelps as well as an attitude change around the campus of BJU towards abuse.

As backwards as this seems, for a few minutes just forget about Ernie Willis, Tina Anderson and Chuck Phelps.

Think about the crisis that rape is. Think about having all control taken from you. Imagine if what you thought or wanted didn't matter at all. Imagine not being able to stop it...not with your words and not with your physical strength. Imagine feeling like you are completely worthless and thinking that there must be something horribly wrong with you to attract such evil. Imagine feeling like your mind has been completely taken over and violated....all of your interests and hobbies don't matter to you anymore, in fact you feel stupid and foolish for ever being able to enjoy such simple things. Most of your friendships and relationships have been drastically changed because they were built on the basis of knowing your friends and being known by them and now those same friends don't even understand how you work anymore. In fact, you don't even understand how you work. Sometimes things upset you and you can't even consciously figure out why. A smell, a texture, a song, a memory....one small thing can be all it takes to make you incredibly anxious or irrationally angry. You just feel utterly broken and it feels like no matter where you look, you can't find comfort.

But these are just common feelings for any rape situation. What if it gets a little more specific? What if you knew your rapist and trusted them? After all, approximately two thirds of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. How messed up in the head do you think you'd be then? You feel naive and stupid just for trusting the person. I mean, what does it say about you as a person if you were capable of letting your guard down around a rapist? Or you could take the thought train in a different direction and ask yourself what you'd done to make the rapist think you wanted that? I mean, they seemed like such a nice and trustworthy person. Surely it can't be that they were just so cruel. You must have done something to encourage them. In fact, you didn't even do enough to stop them while they were raping you! You should have been more clear about the fact that you didn't want it. You should have fought harder. Wow. Now you need to re-evaluate yourself entirely as a person. Obviously there's a lot wrong with you. I mean, you were stupid enough to give the rapist information that they later used to hurt you, you put your trust in them as a friend/mentor, you enjoyed your time with them up until the rape, and you let yourself be put into a situation where you were alone with them so that the rape could happen in the first place! These are just some of the *tame* thought patterns someone who has been raped goes through.

But let's take this just even a little bit further. Let's bring God into it. Whether you're a Christian or not, you still tend to struggle with why God would let this happen to you. Did He just passively allow it to happen? Well then why did He choose to let it happen to *you*? Maybe it wasn't so passive...maybe He didn't just "allow" it...maybe He *made* it happen. Maybe He was punishing you. What have you done that would make God so put out with you that He'd let someone rape you, anyways? Why didn't He stop it from happening? How could He just so callously sit up in heaven and watch that happen? God isn't so heartless, right? Well then that just further proves the problem is with you. After all, if God is a just God then you must have done something to deserve this. What kind of thoughts will go through your head when you read verses like Deuteronomy 22: 23-24 (²³"If there is a betrothed virgin, and a man meets her in the city and lies with her, ²⁴then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city, and you shall stone them to death with stones, the young woman because she did not cry for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbor’s wife. So you shall purge the evil from your midst.) or Deuteronomy 22:28-29 ( ²⁸ "If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, ²⁹then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days.). So if you're raped and you freeze up out of shock or you comply because you're afraid for your life you'll be stoned? Or worse, forced to marry your rapist? How could God be so heartless and cruel? If you follow this thought train, then you're left to either believe that God is cruel and He hates you, or He's a just God but you're just so worthless that it's nothing to Him to let something like this happen to you because it was your fault in the first place.

These are just some of the torturous thoughts that go through the head of someone who's been raped. In fact, most of what I wrote down is very tame. Obviously, that's bad. It shouldn't be that way. But what happens if you get stuck at that place in your head? How far will you get when your friends and family don't understand you? Or if they dismiss your pain and your questions? You need help, not judgement. You already think poorly enough of yourself, you don't need their judgement. How much worse is it when your family/friends start echoing some of the questions in your own head? What if they doubt you did your best to stop the rape? What if they think you were stupid to ever be around the rapist in the first place and thus they think that you put yourself in a compromising situation? What if they think you must have secretly wanted it/enjoyed? What if they don't even believe you were raped at all? What if they shy away from your questions/concerns about God? What if they condemn you for questioning instead of helping you work through your fears/hang ups? Or what if they ignore you altogether? What if they just dismiss the entire situation?

Sadly, it's not that uncommon for people to respond to rape victims in some of the ways I listed above. It really is a huge problem in society to blame the victim. There is a preconceived notion about rape victims. People seem to think they just instinctively know how a rape victim would/should respond and they judge them off of that basis. This is a huge problem. As I've said before, it's even sadder when this kind of judgement/treatment comes from those who are Christians. They claim to represent Christ. When they treat rape victims this way, it just further confirms that God thinks so poorly of you as well.

People need to educate themselves about rape and the ripple effect it has on lives. Instead, many people would rather ignore the epidemic that is rape altogether. I can only hope that they just don't understand how that feels.

When you've been abused, you begin to see everything through the filter of your abuse. You feel like your abuse has become part of you. After all, it significantly changes you as a person. It colors all of your thoughts and perceptions. You certainly feel damaged by it. When people dismiss what has happened to you because they'd rather not think about it or talk about it, it feels like they are dismissing you as a person. When you've been abused/raped, you equate yourself with your abuse/rape. You cannot simply just dismiss abuse and still have a relationship with someone who has been abused. Think about this, please. When someone is raped, all control is taken from them. They have no voice. How they feel is worthless to the rapist. So what happens when they need help and those around them won't let them talk about it, won't support them, won't listen? Their voice is taken again. By definition, when you ignore someone who has been raped, you tell them that how they feel is not important. You tell them that you don't care what they are going through or how it has affected them. You tell them that they are not important enough to be listened to. That it would be a waste of time to try and help them. You essentially tell them that they are a lost cause. This is not okay. And yet, it happens far far too often.

Okay, now you can go back to remembering that Ernie Willis, Tina Anderson and Chuck Phelps exist. I don't care whether or not you think Chuck Phelps did everything he could. If you think calling the police was all he needed to do, you dismissed the rape victim a long time ago. Having Chuck Phelps on the board was just one more of those things that comes across as a slap in the face to anyone who has been raped. Chuck Phelps, as a pastor, made the mistake of mistreating a victim. He has continued to mistreat her with his words. By having him on the board, BJU sends out a message that it's not a big deal to them that a rape victim was mistreated. But you know what? I'm really really not here to argue specifically about Chuck Phelps and if you disagree with me because you're caught up in the idea of defending him as a person, fine, maybe one day you'll understand. For now, just move on to the next paragraph and try to keep an open mind.

As I've said time and time again, there is a huge lack of knowledge about the way rape destroys lives. There is a lack of communication and understanding between people who have been raped and people who have not been raped. This is a huge problem in Christian circles because Christians especially need to be showing the love of Christ to rape victims if they want to help them work past their problems. The biggest problem seems to be dismissing the abuse. Ignoring it. Pretending it doesn't exist or that it's not a big deal. The Do Right BJU movement is the first large group of people I've seen speaking out against a lack of knowledge about abuse/rape in Christian circles and the mistreatment that victims receive. It's a group of people saying "This happens and it's not okay and you can't continue to ignore this". I've said it before and I'll say it again....there has been genuine immaturity, judgement and bitterness in that group. You cannot let those people drown out the bigger cause. Even if you don't want to get caught up in the situation between Tina Anderson and Chuck Phelps in particular, please understand this. Understand this is about spreading awareness and demanding that abuse victims be treated right.

And understand that when you criticize the Do Right movement and dismiss it, it just feels like a further slap in the face to those who have been raped. I understand that some of you are just upset to see the immaturity that goes on, but most of us in the group are thinking about it from the prospective of the fact that the group is about defending abuse victims. So when you say the group is stupid, it comes across like you are suggesting that the idea of spreading awareness about the mistreatment of victims as stupid. That might not be what you mean, but please understand that that's how it comes across. If you're going to criticize immaturity, criticize both sides because there have been an equal amount of BJU "defenders" who have viciously attacked the members of the group.

Please, if there are things you don't understand or questions you have, just ask them. Maybe you hesitate because you don't want to sound like you're blaming the victim, but it's better to ask your questions and work through them than to just harbor the judging thoughts. Do some research independently on how rape victims respond and try to apply it to the personal situations you have questions about. If that doesn't get rid of the questions, ask them. I've had person after person come to me privately via messages asking me questions about how rape victims respond and expressing a lack of understanding. I appreciate those people more than I can say and I've been able to help them work through their questions. ***THAT*** is how I think the body of Christ should work, for those of you who express concerns about whether or not this movement is Christlike. People who don't understand the effects of rape can get answers to their questions and once they can be more understanding and loving, they can help rape victims get the help, support and answers they need.

This is why it's important to wear red on Monday. It is irrelevant that Chuck Phelps isn't on the board. This is about demanding proper treatment of victims. It's not so much of an "attack" against the school, but a support to those who have been mistreated. Whether or not you plan to wear red, I hope you can at least understand this and respect it. And if you have questions, please ask them.

"This doesn't affect me...I'm not directly involved"

So I'm sitting here on this rainy Tuesday morning still trying to figure out some of the responses people have to abuse situations. I really am trying to understand. It seems like a lot of times there is just this apathetic dismissal. "It doesn't affect me. I'm not directly involved." If someone who has been torn apart and victimized "doesn't affect you" as a Christian, then I must have just completely misunderstood the Bible. What, are the people living in third world countries and gutters the only ones who need to be ministered to? Or maybe it's just that people living in third world countries and gutters have physical needs so you can feel good about donating a can of soup and a blanket without getting your pure mind dirty with the stories of pain and hurt. Maybe that's a little harsh but I'm really not sure if it is or not anymore. And this argument leads into the "I'm not directly involved" argument. Okay, fine. It sounds clean enough when used in reference to the Tina Anderson case, but what about in the circles you run in? What about the people at your workplace or in your neighborhood? Look at the statistics...seems to me there's a pretty good chance that you *do* know someone directly who's been abused. But that's just it...that's the point of the whole "I'm not directly involved" argument. You won't *get* involved. Because you'd rather sit on your high horse and spout off comments about "not having all the details" or "I wasn't there so I don't know what really happened so really it's just between you and God". I guess that last one really comes from a self righteous perception that you've got the Bible all figured or that you've arrived. Personally, I think a lot of the Bible is pretty hard to comprehend between the laws in the Old Testament and passages like Romans 9 or how Jesus and God can seem so very different sometimes. But I guess when I think about it, most of the Christians I've talked to about those passages have been pretty dismissive of those complicated passages, too. I've openly asked a lot of my questions just to see what others are thinking and see if there's something I can learn and instead most of the time I get responses like "Well, let's just be glad that Jesus came and we aren't under the Old Testament law anymore" or "God's character doesn't contradict itself". Okay, that may be true but that really doesn't make that phrase or those passages any harder to understand. That's a bit of a tangent, though.

I'm just becoming increasingly disturbed by the defenses I hear surrounding why people don't want to "get involved" with the Tina Anderson case. That's just it. It's really not about the Tina Anderson case. In fact, that's the entire reason Tina was willing to go through with this case. Because she realized this was a common issue and she hoped her case would bring these situations to light and at least stimulate a healthy desire to learn what to do WHEN you're faced with the issue of abuse. When, not if. Because you will be in one way or another. It may eventually happen to some of you. It may eventually happen to your brother or sister or son or daughter. And then what will you do when people start handing you the same generic excuses not to care that you handed out about this current scandal?

And that's just it. Most of the people involved with the Do Right BJU movement have either been abused or known someone close to them who was abused. This isn't about hating Bob Jones and being "bitter" towards them. This is a group of people who have heard all these same excuses in their personal life and they saw an opportunity in this case to speak out against the wrong responses to abuse. It's disturbing, the number of people so quick to come to the defense of BJU. Why can't you use the same level of passion to defend those who have been broken down and fed lies about their worth? Sure, you "don't really want to get involved" and you think it's pointless to throw "flaming attacks on the internet", but if the topic comes up in person you're really quick to jump to the defense of BJU. But I guess that doesn't really matter because when pressed as to whether you've actually looked into any of the information surrounding the case OTHER than the "Christian hating 20/20 episode" (which you really only watched so you could be filled with righteous indignation....) you start talking about not having time or an annoyance that someone would even ask you to use your valuable time to look into this more thoroughly. You don't have time to look into the Tina Anderson case? Fine. Don't. At least do yourself a favor and look into some of this:

Rape Myths:
http://www2.rwu.edu/studentlife/studentservices/counselingcenter/sexualassault/rapemyths.htm

And in case you're too lazy to copy and paste a link, I'll save you some time with some highlights:

• 1 out of 4 women is sexually assaulted at some point in her life.
• 1 out of 6 men is sexually assaulted at some point in his life.
• Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten by her husband or boyfriend. (FBI Uniform Crime Report, 1991)
• 2-4 million women are abused every year. (American Medical Association)
• Approximately 25% of all women in the U.S. will be abused by current or former partners some time during their lives. (American Medical Association)
• 82.8% of sexual assaults occur before the victim reaches the age of 25.
• 78% of sexual assault victims were assaulted by someone they knew.
• Over 66% of sexual assault victims reported NO visible physical injuries.
• Fewer than 20% of crimes of sexual violence are reported to the police.
• Only 2% of reported sexual assaults have been determined to be false reports.
• .1 in 8 college women is the victim of rape during her college years. 1 in 4 is the victim of attempted rape
• 95% of these rape victims did not report the rape to officials.
• 25% percent of women were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, partner or date during their lifetime.
• 84% of the women knew the men who raped them; 57% were on dates.

So looking at those statistics, chances are pretty good you currently know someone who's been abused. If you're making flippant dismissive judging comments about this case, do you think they're going to talk to you? I'd also like to point out that of all the crimes, sexual assault has the SMALLEST PERCENTAGE of false reports. 1 in 8 women are the victims of rape just in college years alone. But I guess it's easy to ignore that statistic and look the other way when you live in the bubble, isn't it?

Why Women Stay In/Return to Abusive Relationships:
http://www.wisegeek.com/why-do-women-return-to-abusive-relationships.htm

Sometimes, as a result of abuse, a woman’s self-esteem is so damaged that she lacks the confidence to maintain independence from her abuser. Often, women who leave abusive relationships have trouble earning an adequate income or finding safe and affordable housing. Women may feel compelled to return to abusive relationships because they lack resources and support.

Sometimes, an abused woman's own family members and friends place the blame on her, perhaps because they assume that she somehow caused the abuse. In some cases, the woman's family and friends may act as if the abuse is bearable or deny its existence altogether. If the abused woman is married, friends and family may try to talk her out of divorce, often citing religious reasons.

According to statistics, the average abused woman leaves her abuser seven to eight times before she leaves permanently. Victims of abuse often live in a state of fear, confusion, and overwhelming sadness. 

Blaming the victim:

http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/vb.html

Rape is the only crime in which the victim must prove his or her own innocence. Victim blaming is holding the victim responsible for what has happened to her/him. One way in which victim blaming is perpetuated is through rape myths. Rape myths allow us to blame the victim and are often common false beliefs.

Revictimization:

http://www.pandys.org/articles/revictimization.html

Personalities forged in an environment of early abuse: Children who are abused by people they are close to learn to equate love with violence and sexual exploitation. They have not learned to create safe and appropriate boundaries with people, and they grow up unable to see themselves as having any right to choice. Their self-image is so damaged that they may see nothing wrong with even extremely abusive treatment of them by others. It is seen as unavoidable and the ultimate cost of love. Some women sexually abused as children may believe that their sexuality is all they have of any  worth.

The effect of trauma: It is true that some people may have a series of violent partners, or encounters with rapists. I had a friend who was subjected to rape three times in two years . A family member - echoing typical victim-blame - sneeringly asked me "why she kept leaving herself open to it. - wouldn't you think that if she went through it once, she should have known how to steer clear of creeps?" This reflects a lack of knowledge about the workings of trauma: While some survivors may be overly cautious about everybody, other traumatized people actually have a harder time forming accurate assessments of danger (8). The above question also absolves the perpetrator who falsely seeks to engage the trust of a trauma survivor in order to abuse them.

Traumatic Bonding: Judith Herman writes about the tendency of abused children to cling tenaciously to the very parents who hurt them (9) Perpetrators of sexual abuse may capitalize on this tendency by giving their victim the only sense of specialness, or being loved, that they have ever had. Bessel van der Kolk tells us that people subjected to trauma and neglect are vulnerable to developing the tendency to traumatically bond with those who harm them. Traumatic bonding is often behind the excuses of battered women for the violence of their partners, and for the repeated returning to a batterer (10).

PTSD:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/

PTSD changes the body's response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters).

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

• Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
• Repeated upsetting memories of the event
• Repeated nightmares of the event
• Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event

2. Avoidance

• Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything
• Feeling detached
• Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Having a lack of interest in normal activities
• Showing less of your moods
• Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event
• Feeling like you have no future

3. Arousal

• Difficulty concentrating
• Startling easily
• Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you
• Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)
• Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger
• Having trouble falling or staying asleep
  
  
  I apologize if I've been a little more biting in this post.  I just don't think people understand how bad these arguments sound and how worthless they make people who have been abused feel. They've already been told they have no self worth by their abuse and then it seems that most people are happy to confirm that belief by casually dismissing the idea of educating themselves at least about the basics surrounding abuse. People won't take the time to educate themselves on the effects of abuse, but they DO have time to spout off a thoughtless comment or question like "She always seemed okay" or "Why is this just coming forward now?" or "Why did she open the door for him the second time?" Please understand that most of the biting tone in this blog is just sarcasm because it really is laughably pathetic when people won't even take the time to educate themselves about the basics surrounding an epidemic like abuse/rape/domestic violence.